The Prodigal Runner: A return to a healthy lifestyle-inside and out.

Dear Vino,

You are not going to be happy to hear this, but, we are going to have to spend a little less time together. I know, I know—we have had some awesome times together and you have definitely made the lowest of times a bit more bearable. However, my buddy Gym, AKA “The Gym”  has been around a lot longer than you have and misses the friendship we once had.   Plus, we are partnering up on this Marathon thing for next spring and, quite frankly, I need to put more time into this new venture. I hope you understand. We can still hang out, but it will have to be once a week at the most. Sorry. It’s not you. It’s me.  I just made a commitment to the Marathon team, stamped by my credit card, and promised to help raise money for the sick (at least $5K), so this is how it has to be.

Now don’t be offended. You are not alone. Not only is Vodka also out, but so is the Simple Carbohydrates crew and possibly the Diet Soda posse ( The “caffeinated” peeps are arguing a performance enhancement benefit, but the jury is still out at this point). Look, we can still kick it, but  as I said before, from now on  it will have to be once a week at the most, and only on the weekends. I’m sure this is a blow to you and the rest of the vino family, but at the end of the day, it’s for the best. And, we’ll still have a blast together —just not as often. So let’s enjoy our last night together kicking it “old-school” and I’ll see you again in a week or two.

All the best,

-EO

30 days to Scotland, and, Hammertime Heather is going full-steam into helping get a good jumpstart into being more fit before I go. My abs hurt so badly from what she did to me yesterday, I can barely get up off of my couch or out of the bed! Trying to motivate to do cardio tonight…

Ugh.

Wine sounds SO much better.

Until next time.

-EO

Oh. Dear. God.

It got Buck F*cking Wild today.

Heather “Hammertime” Kammerer kicked my ASS today in the gym. Actually, if she had literally kicked me in the ass, I would hurt less right now…

I am trying to eat a mixed greens salad right now. I swear it tastes like meat. I must have been hungry I guess–even though the LAST thing I feel like doing is eating.

This diet has HANDS DOWN been the hardest. HANDS DOWN. And the water. I just don’t like it. I’ll have to try to hit my H2O requirements via sparkling water. I know a lot of you guys don’t understand, but when you grow up in a household where diet pop is your water, the drinking the good ‘ol fashioned aqua is a chore.

I just tell myself it will help keep my 30 something ass hydrated.

So, my primary goal this week is to stick to this diet. I think I am going to have to start thinking meal by meal, rather than day by day.

And look, it’s not like I sit around eating bon bons all day. Clean eating is HARD. No 100 calorie smart popocorn. No whole wheat waffles. No more Lean Cuisine and a couple of glasses of wine for dinner. NO CHEESE!!! None of this except for once a week. And let me tell you, for my one “cheat” meal a week, I ain’t eating no Lean Cuisine.

I can promise you that.

It will be worth it! I will get better about working out much faster than the diet. I have always been that way.

Thank God for Hammertime’s post workout cocktail of Vitamin E, Vitamin C and Advil. Thanks be to God. Truly.

Until next time!

-EO

Shout out to:

Michael Wilson
Justin Tulk

And all of the other awesome Gingers in our life-we love you!

Ginger Power!

(end of message).

F*ck. Somehow I am more sore today than I felt yesterday. I feel like I have the flu. That is supposed to be “normal”??? No wonder I quit working out in the first ding-dong place. This is Murphy’s Law: I have LITERALLY been working NON STOP today since 7:30 morning, did not stop until after 5:30PM and even though I have had enough Sugar Free Redbull to provide electricity to a small town in Western Kansas, I am so tired I am about to get Mad Narcoleptic up in this Bitch. And by “Bitch” I mean the train. I am about to conk out like that crackhead doing to crackhead shuffle this morning (she even added a shimmy).

With this in mind, HOW on God’s green Earth am I going to find the energy to get my ass beaten with weights and a treadmill for an hour tonight? Ugh. I want my couch. And a blanket. And a glass of wine. F*ck it -who am I kidding…I want a BOTTLE of wine. Now!

You heard me.

Until next time!

P.S. Be prepared for an onslaught of swear words. I feel it coming. Without a doubt.

P.S.S. Who the fuck is this loud ass librarian with the fanny pack talking at volume 10 on the train like she is a damn tour guide for the old folks home? It’s not that exciting people. And if you think it’s exciting, can you be excited QUIETLY??? Can’t you see I’m trying to SLEEP before getting my ass beaten into next week by my trainer???

Seriously. Shut the f*ck up.

Until next time…

-EO

Wow.

I have not been worked over the way I was this evening in 7 years…

Not in THAT way hookers! By my new personal trainer who is the most amazing trainer I have ever had. Truly. And I used to run races…

For years.

Who would have ever thought that the sweet woman who poured you glass after glass of the cocktail du jour would also someday be your Shepard back to health, fitness, balance and a slamming body. She is like the blond-haired, blue-eyed Oprah of fitness. This woman gets it. She knows what she is doing. She TRULY cares

And, she will kick your ass back into shape.

After the most difficult workout I have had in 7 years, I could barely walk to our favorite watering hole to breakup with my dear love, Chardonnay, again.

Not really breaking up, we just need some time apart…

You see, in addition to getting back into the gym “on the regular”, I’m also going to be following her diet plan. I have no idea how I’m going to eat ALL of this food everyday, but if you saw this woman, as well as her before and after, I am going to do whatever the f*ck she tells me to. No joke.

Now, I’m not going to sing “Sun in the Sky” a la J-Hud at our next Karaoke outing. Not a ding-dong chance. But I fully plan to wear some of the kick-ass clothes in my closet again soon.

For tonight, I have only two goals:

1. Shower

2. Sleep.

Until next time!

-EO